Legacy War, Часть Первая
Как все было.
Я учусь на геймдизайнера настольных игр в моем маленьком Мухосранском Городском Университете (он едва больше моей школы, даже народу примерно столько же, разве что корпуса и общагу добавили). Место само по себе неплохое: учиться интереснода и люди приятные. Необычно разве только мальца.
Короче,один из парней с моего практикума попросил о помощи - надо было протестировать его собственную РПГ. Я в то время все еще был немного затворником и только-только начинал выбираться в игровой клуб чтобы там поиграть во всякие РПГ. К счастью, народ из моей группы сказал что они ее один раз уже тестировали и чтобы он приносил.
То,что произошло дальше, изменило меня, /tg/, и теперь я здесь чтобы потешить народ рассказами о самых тупых и неумелых сессиях, в которых я когда-либо учавствовал.
Я расскажу вам о Legacy War.
***
Для начала дайте я представлю ключевых игроков. Все имена изменены для защиты невинных.
> Тимо - Создатель, собственно, РПГ и наш ГМ на тестовых сессиях. Ведет себя так, будто у него суровый такой Аспергер, любит ЛоЛ. Социально неадаптирован от слова совсем. Я сперва дал ему небольшой кредит доверия и посчитал, что его обходили стороной из-за сперговатости, а не из-за характера. Я был неправ.Постоянно носит шапку Тимо.
> Риома - Наш штатный ГМ. Любит "Геттер Робо", в свое время познакомил меня с аниме 80-х и другими клевыми штуками. Пишет рассказы и короткие истории с времен незапамятных, ролеплеит примерно столько же. Отличный ГМ и в целомклассный парень.
> Дирк - Еще один мой хороший знакомый, к сожалению из-за работы больше с нами почти не играет. Нарочно каламбурит и несмешно шутит, на наше увеселение искрежет зубовный. Нихерово так угарает по Mechassault и Battletech.
> Я - Где-то за две недели до всего этого был практически затворником и всего успел сыграть лишь несколько сессий. Не вполне въезжал как некоторый специфические штуки в РПГ работают, но более общие вещи знал достаточно неплохо.
Других представлю по необходимости, в разное время приходили/уходили разные люди, но мы четверо были, так сказать, "костяком" этого путешествия в абсурд.
***
Сессия,в которой я согласился учавствовать, была вторым игро-тестом Legacy War, хотя Риома с Дирком успели мне рассказать о всей той невъебенной хероте из первой сессии. Дело было так:
> Риома с Дирком сели и достали листы персонажей.
> Листы - простые распечатки Вордовских документов, которые надо кое-как заполнять вручную, но мы были студентотой, так что все на ожидаемом уровне.
> По углам листов нарисованы кунаи.
> Ох йоптваюмать.
> В Legacy War имеют значение только три стата. Я не помню точные названия, но это Сила, Броня и Мобильность.
> Есть еще независимый стат "Чакра" - определенное количество очков,которые можно потратить на джутсу.
> Это РПГ по Наруто.
> Ох матьтвоюйоп.
> Еще есть на выбор несколько элементов, каждый из которых открывает доступ к трем джутсу.
> Единственные значимые это Огонь, Земля и Тайджутсу.
> Риома: "Что это за элемент вообще - Тайджутсу?"
> Тимо: "Это Тайджутсу."
> Риома: "Не, я понял, но что это?"
> Тимо: "Тайджутсу."
> Это сейчас был пример того как Тимо отвечает на вопросы и разрешает конфликты.Ну, пытается.
> Риома и Дирк выбрали Землю, потому что одно из "земляных" джутсу создает стену за 1 чакры, без каких-либо уточнений размеров, собственно, стены.
> Тимо сказал им, что в инвентаре, для нужд этой сессии, у них есть"ткань" и "кинжал".
> Тимо: "Этот кинжал - особенный."
> Дирк: "Чем?"
> Тимо: "Вы можете его метать."
> Риома: "То есть, обычный кухонный нож я, типа, метнуть не могу?"
> Тимо: "Вы еще можете им бить."
> Риома: "А просто кухонным ножом я бить не могу, ясно."
> Тимо, как правило, наши вопросы и траблы просто не понимал. В его голове все приготовленные ответы были настолько очевидны, что их принял бы кто угодно, вне зависимости от абсурдности, собственно, ответа и ведущей к нему логической цепочки.
> К тому моменту Риома и Дирк были в равной мере вовлечены в процесс и раздражены всей херней.
> Тимо: "А, еще он взрывается."
> Никакого напряга или драматизма, Тимо сказал это как бы между делом. Риома и Дирк, не выдержав, начали ржать.
> Тем временем, Тимо начал сессию и сказал, что игроки - это дети из Деревни Сокрытой в Цветах, которой управляет Каге.
> Риома и Дирк вообще знатно фигели от этой всей потыренной из Наруто херни и каждую сессию доебывались до Тимо, но тот яростно все отрицал.
> Тут Риома внезапно осознал нечто ужасное и спросил: "Эй, Тимо, а во что мы одеты?"
> Тимо: "Чего?"
> Риома: "Ну, наша одежда. У нас в инвентаре есть тканевые... что?"
> Тимо: "Просто ткань."
> Риома: "То есть, набедреные повязки, что ли?"
> Осталось только понять и принять.
> Дирк и Риома отправляются бродить по пустой деревне в поисках зуб-даю-не-хокаге.
> Тимо: "Не забывайте кидать."
> Риома: "На что?"
> Тимо: "На пройденное расстояние."
> Тимо демонстрирует им лист бумаги в клеточку, который, типа, деревня.
> Тимо: "Какая у тебя Мобильность?"
> Риома: "Три."
> Тимо: "Кинь 2д6 и добавь 3 - это будет максимальная данность передвижения."
> Да, все верно, Тимо заставлял их кидать на движение вне боя. Потребовалось кинуть столько раз, что хватило бы на несколько полноценных раундов, но не-хокаге и его не-башню они нашли.
> Каге: 'Людей в деревне сразил страшный недуг, мне нужно чтобы вы пошли исобрали семь вот таких цветков для антидота.'
> Еще несколько ходов чтобы выбраться из деревни и попасть на лесную тропинку,которая две клетки в ширину и где-то тридцать в длину.
> Дирк: "Ну, тут что-нибудь есть?"
> Тимо: "Кусты вокруг вас начинают шуршать."
> Риома: "Может, шелестеть?"
> Тимо: "Шуршать."
> Дирк: "Окей, какие конкретно кусты шуршат?"
> Тимо: "Все."
> Дирк: "В-все?"
> Дирк и Риома продолжают ржать над шуршащими кустами, как внезапно появляется несколько белок и рядом с ними, из ниоткуда, выпрыгивает волк. Они спросили Тимо как это вообще произошло, но прямого ответа так и не добились.
> Дирк: "Я кидаю нож в белку."
> Тимо: "Нож взрывается, белка умирает. Вы замечаете, что оставшиеся белки ведут себя странно."
> Риома: "В каком смысле 'странно'?"
> Тимо: "Странно. Вы знаете как они себя обычно ведут."
> Риома: "Да, Тимо, мы знаем как белки себя обычно ведут. Что в этом странного?"
> Тимо: "Вы замечаете, что они смотрят вверх."
> Дирк: "Похуй, пляшем. Я тоже смотрю вверх."
> Тимо: "Ты видишь падающий метеорит."
> Еще не отошедшие от шуршашших кустов игроки ржут с подвыванием от таких новостей. Дирк, который, тащемта, ментор клуба (помощник учителя за минимальную плату) слетает нахер с резьбы и больше не может вести себя хоть сколь-нибудь профессионально.
> Дирк: "НАМ ВСЕМ ХАНА!"> Тимо: "Он как кулак."
> Дирк: "А, блин, ну тогда может и нет."
> Тимо: "Он в форме кулака, но размером где-то с корабль."
> Дирк: "НУ ТОГДА НАМ ВСЕМ ХАНА!"
> Бедолаг еще немного пидорасит, но, в конце концов, осознание того что метеорит их не убьет при приземлении совсем рядом, худо бедно утрамбовывается в головах. Белки и волк испаряются будто их и не было.
> Дирк: "Я обыскиваю кратер."
> Тимо: "Хорошо, кидай д12."
> Дирк: "Почему?"
> Обыск и навыки в правилах не упомянуты, их там нет в принципе, окромя тех трех статов. Ничего нет, ни какие кубики кидать, ни к чему это приведет.
> Тимо: "Потому что он двигается."
> Дирк: "КРАТЕР ДВИГАЕТСЯ?"
> Дирк кинул тот д12 и получил где-то 8. Тимо покумекал и решил что результат достаточно высокий, так что Дирк залез в кратер пока Риома наблюдал за ним.
> Внутри кратера лежит один единственный камень. Дирк его трогает и камень рассыпается, внутри лежит еще один, гладкий на ощупь камень поменьше.
> Тимо: "Этот камень особенный."
> Риома: "В каком плане 'особенный'?"
> Тимо: "Он магический."
> Риома: "Окей, какой него эффект?"
> Тимо: "Магия."
Как напоминание - Тимо совершенно серьезен. Если бы это были какие-то его шутки-прибаутки - мы бы ржали над ними только так, но Тимо прям серьезно ГМит сессию по своей РПГ и выкладывается на полную.
> Внезапно, из кустов появляется мрачная фигура.
> У фигуры в каждой руке по мечу и еще один болтается за спиной.
> Лицо скрыто в тени.
> Риома выдвигается ему навалять. Он бросает свой взрывающийся нож, но темный мечник его ловит, хотя у него и свободных рук-то нет. Но это ведь взрывающийся кунай, так? Окей, ладно, Тимо разрешает ему взорваться, но О ГОСПОДИ, НЕТ, ЭТО НА САМОМ ДЕЛЕ ДЫМОВОЙ КУНАЙ!
> Два игрока взъебывают Тимо по поводу дибилизма произошедшего и тот разрешает им попробовать еще раз.
> Риома кидает свой нож еще раз и, после уточнения у Тимо правил движения, двое приходят к выводу, что пока нож летит Риома вполне может его обогнать и взять противника в борцовский захват.
> Противник уклоняется.
> Нож попадает в Риому.
> Чиво.
> Дирк размахивается и пытается показать супостату свою богатырскую силушку.
> Тимо: "Какая у тебя Сила?"
> Дирк: "А тебе зачем?"
> Тимо: "Посчитать сколько урона ты нанес."
> Дирк: "Но я даже на попадание еще не кинул."
> Тимо: "Чего?"
> Риома: "Погодь. Мы что, не кидаем на попадание?"
> Тимо: "Что еще за 'на попадание'?"
> Дирк и Риома внезапно осознают что Тимо не просто плох как ГМ и геймдизайнер - он вообще не ебет что он делает.
> Тимо: "Ничего не происходит."
> Дирк: "Чего?"
> Тимо: " У него слишком много Брони, ты не наносишь урона."
> Сила и Броня идут 1:1, Броня вычитается из урона. То есть, если ваша Сила меньше Брони противника - тот, фактически, неуязвим. Никаких кубиков, голая математика.
> Риома снова думает над правилами, ища хоть какой-то способ справится с мечником. Они оба недостаточно сильны чтобы его надамажить и у них нет никаких атакующих джутсу, только Стена Земли. Но, если подумать, Стена Земли - это оно и есть. Напомню вам - никаких ограничений по размеру Стены не указано, она может быть вообще какой угодно в длину и ширину.
> В высоту тоже.
> Риома: "Я использую чакру и создаю Стену Земли."
> Тимо: "Хорошо, где?"
> Риома: "Под ним, достаточно высокую чтобы запустить его в атмосферу."
> Теперь с нарезки слетает уже Тимо.
> Тимо: "Нет, ты не можешь этого сделать."
> Риома: "Почему? В правилах по поводу размера стены ничего не сказано."
> Тимо: "Потому что это запрещено."
> Он перекрещивает руки иксом (Х).
> Риома: "Почему?"
> Тимо: "Потому что ты не можешь этого сделать."
> Риома: "Вообще-то могу. И делаю."
Собственно, на том первая сессия и закончилась. Точнее, развалилась. Риома с Дирком таки продавили запуск того асассина в космос и собрали цветы. Когда Каге отказался выдавать им награду, они просто взяли всю деревню в заложники и пригрозили запустить ее нахрен туда же, в космос, при помощи Стены Земли.
Конец первой части.
Подробнее
File: 20fvtkh ipq (25 KB 640x480) Legacy War BASED Regalia 06/30/14(Mon)21 41 55 No.33114825 ► »2211*857 »2211*987 »22115C71 »2311 SPSS So I'm in a tabletop oriented game design program at my little podunk University (it's slightly larger than the high school I came from. It's like if you transplanted that exact population on to an actual campus with actual buildings and a dorm). It's not a bad place - the people are nice and the education is enlightening - it's just sort of out there Anyway, so this guy in my workshop class wants me to help him test his tabletop RPG. I was sort of a recluse at the time and had only just started going to the gaming club and playing RPGs Luckily, the group I had been playing with said that they had tested it once before, and that I should get in on the playtest The series of games that occurred afterwards have changed me. /tg/. I'm here to regale you with the tales of a most foul and utterly hilariously inept sessions I have ever played in I'm here to tell you about Legacy War. Anonymous 06/30/14(Mon)21 43:22 No.33114857 ► »33114825 iOP) The Naruto picture worries me Is it relevant? BASED Regalia 06/30/14(Mon)21 56:30 No.33115113 ► »32115212 »32115*92 »32118221 File: ruzoSO ipq (23 KB. 640x480) We ll begin with a short introduction of our key players. The names have been changed to protect the innocent: Lwa >Teemo: The creator of the game and our GM for the playtesting sessions. He's super spergy and loves LoL. Entirely socially inept. I originally gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed that he was avoided due to his sperginess and not his personality. I was mistaken. He wears a Teemo hat. >Ryoma: Normal GM of our group. Loves Getter Robo, got me in to 80s anime and other fun stuff. Has been writing novels and short stories for years and has been roleplaying for nearly as long. Really good GM. cool guy all around. >Dirk: Cool guy who doesn't play with us much anymore because of work. He's kind of goofy and makes lots of puns and purposefully lame jokes for us to groan and laugh at. Loves the everloving shit out of Mechassault and Battletech. >Me: Socially recluse until two or so weeks before this takes place. I had only a few sessions under my belt as a player. Generally have no idea how the specific mechanics of each RPG works but know enough about the general aspects. Others will be introduced as they are needed. Several will come and go. but we are the mainstay of this journey in to absurdity. This session I had agreed to play in was the second playtest of Legacy War. Ryoma and Dirk, however, have informed me of all of the glorious shit that happened in the first session. >Ryoma and Dirk sit down and get their character sheets. >They're cheap word-doc type fill-in-the-blank messes, but given that we're a bunch of college kids this is sort of expected. >There are kunai up in the corners of the sheets >Oh, fuck. >There are three stats that matter in Legacy War. I forget their actual names, but they amount to Strength, Armor and Mobility. >There is an independent "Charka" stat, which acts as a pool of points that you spend to cast Jutsus. >lt's a Naruto RPG >Fuck. BASED Regalia 06/30/14(Mon)22 12:56 No.33115492 ► »22115773 »32116005 »33113321 »33115113 >You can pick from several elements, each of which has three jutsus to use >The only ones that matter are Fire, Earth and Taijutsu >Ryoma: "So what element is Taijutsu?" >Teemo: "It's Taijutsu." >Ryoma: "Yeah, but, what is it?" >Teemo: "It's Taijutsu." >This is how Teemo attempts to answer most questions and resolve most conflict. >Ryoma and Dirk settle on Earth, as one of its jutsus gives players the ability to create a wall, spending 1 "charka" per use without specifying the size of the wall in any way, shape or form. >Teemo tells them that their inventory for the purpose of the session will be "a cloth" and "a dagger”. >Teemo: "It's a special dagger." >Dirk: "What's so special about the dagger?" >Teemo: "You can throw it." >Ryoma: "Wait, can I not just pick up a kitchen knife and throw it?" >Teemo: "You can also stab with it." >Ryoma: 'Then can I not just stab with a kitchen knife." >Teemo has a tendency to not understand our questions, as to him the answers he has prepared should be obvious to even the most common observer regardless of how absurd the answer is and the logic that allowed him to arrive to it. At this point, Ryoma and Dirk are equal parts enthralled and frustrated. >Teemo: "Oh, and it explodes." >Teemo just sort of casually drops this on them, and Dirk and Ryoma lose their shit and start laughing. Teemo begins the session and informs the pair that they are children who reside in the Village Hidden in the Flowers, and their village leader is the Kage. Ryoma and Dirk are bewildered at how blatant of a copy of Naruto this is and confront Teemo about this at every session, but he vehemently denies it. >Ryoma suddenly realizes something horrible and promptly asks Teemo "Hey, what are our clothes like?" >Teemo: "How do you mean?" >Ryoma: "What clothes are we wearing? I see we have some cloth-" >Teemo: "A cloth." >Dirk: "So we're wearing loincloths?" Dirk and Ryoma then accepted this at face value BASED Regalia 06/30/14(Mon)22 36 05 No 33116005 ► »33116121 »2311S25C »22118321 File: Eastern Grey Squirrel ipq (4.68 MB 2992x2480) »33115492 >Dirk and Ryoma go wandering through the streets of a seemingly empty village to see the totally-not-hokage. >Teemo: "Don't forget to roll." >Ryoma: "Roll for what?" >Teemo: "Your movement." >Teemo at this point presented them with a piece of graph paper that represented the village. >Teemo: "What's your Mobility?" >Ryoma: ‘Three.” >Teemo: "Roll 2d6 and add three and that's how far you can move." >Teemo has them roll for movement outside of combat. It takes them multiple turns worth of rolling to walk to the totally-not-hokage's keep thing whatever. >Kage: 'The people of our village have fallen horribly ill, and we need you to go collect seven of these flowers so that we can make an antidote." >Dirk and Ryoma spend several turns walking out of the village and in to a forest with a path, which is two spaces wide and something like thirty long. >Dirk: "So is there anything here?" >Teemo: 'The bushes around you begin rattling." >Ryoma: "Rustling?" >Teemo: "Rattling." >Dirk: "Which bush?" >Teemo: "All of the bushes." >Dirk: "A-All of the bushes?" >Dirk and Ryoma continue to laugh their ass off at rows of bushes rattling when suddenly a few squirrels and a wolf jump out from the bush immediately next to them. They ask Teemo how this works, but they don't get a straight answer. >Dirk: "I throw my knife at a squirrel." >Teemo: "It explodes. The squirrel dies. You see the other squirrels are acting weird." >Ryoma: "Weird like how?" >Teemo: "Weird. You know how squirrels act." >Ryoma: "Yes, Teemo, I'm wholly aware of how squirrels act. How are these actions weird.” >Teemo: "You notice them looking up." >Dirk: "Fuck it, I'll bite. I look up." >Teemo: "You see a meteor." U Anonymous 06/30/14(Mon)22:42:28 No.33116121 i File: 1398819490522 ipq (132 KB. 520x362) »33116005 This is amazing. Please don't stop. BASED Regalia 06/30/14(Mon)22:49:37 No.33116250 ► »33116*75 »32116610 »22116221 File: (34 KB. 615x409) »33116005 >Fresh off the rattling bushes Ryoma and Dirk start howling. Dirk, one of the mentors (minimally paid/involved TA) just loses his shit completely after trying to act semi-professionally. >Dirk: "WE'RE ALL DEAD." >Teemo: "It's like a fist." >Dirk: "Oh, shit, well, we might make it then." >Teemo: "It's in the shape of a fist, but the size of a ship." >Dirk: 'THEN WE'RE ALL DEAD." >The pair is reeling and, eventually, accept that the meteor isn't going to kill them and lands mere feet from them. The other squirrels and the wolf have disappeared, never to be mentioned again. >Dirk: "I search the crater." >Teemo: "Okay, roll 1d12." >Dirk: "Why?" >Searching and other skill checks are unmentioned in the rules, as there are no skills or anything of the sort save for the three stats. There is no mention of dice being rolled or any sort of resolution of action. >Teemo: "Because it's moving." >Dirk: 'THE CRATER IS MOVING?" >Dirk rolls 1d12 and gets an 8 or something. Teemo mulls it over and decides that 8 is high enough. Dirk enters the crater while Ryoma watches over him. >lnside the crater is a single stone. Dirk touches it and it crumbles, revealing within yet another, smaller stone that is smooth to the touch. >Teemo: 'The stone is special.” >Ryoma: "Special how?" >Teemo: "It's magic." >Ryoma: "Yes, but what does it do?" >Teemo: "Magic." Now. I'd like to remind you guys that Teemo is playing this shit completely straight If it were a tongue and cheek thing, we'd be laughing at the jokes, but this is Teemo GMing a completely legitimate session of his game, which he's taking super seriously. >Suddenly, from the bushes comes a shadowy figure. >He has a sword in each hand and another sword on his back. >His face is covered in shadow. >Ryoma moves to engage. BASED Regalia 06/30/14(Mon)23:05:45 No.33116610 ► »32117023 »32118321 File: seohiroth ff73 ioo (87 KB. 542x733) »33116250 >Ryoma throws his exploding knife, which the dual wielding swordsman then caught despite not having any free hands to do so. But, it's an exploding kunai, right? Teemo allows it to explode, but OH NO, THIS ONE IS TOTALLY A SMOKE BOMB KUNAI. >He and Dirk chew Teemo out over how dumb that is, at which point Teemo allows him to try again. >Ryoma lobs his knife at him and, after consulting Teemo and the rules for movement, the two come to the conclusion that he then outruns his knife and gets the shadowy figure in a full nelson. >The knife hits Ryoma >The figure is gone >What >Dirk swings his fist and tries to land a solid blow on the figure. >Teemo: "What's your Strength?"! >Dirk: "Why do you need my strength?" >Teemo: 'To see how much damage you do." >Dirk: "But I didn't roll to hit him." >Teemo: "What?" >Ryoma: "Wait, we don't roll to hit?" >Teemo: "What is that?" >Dirk and Ryoma have their minds blown as they realize that Teemo isn't just bad but has absolutely no idea what the fuck he's doing. >Teemo: "Nothing happens." >Dirk: "What?" >Teemo: "His Armor is too high, you hit him and nothing happens." >Strength to damage is 1:1, armor cancels out damage, meaning that if the opponent has more armor than you have strength that the opponent is functionally invincible. No dice rolling involved. >Ryoma starts mulling over the rules again, looking over what their options are to fight this guy. Neither of them are strong enough to do damage to him, but they don't have any offensive jutsus, just Earth Wall. But they only needed Earth Wall. Earth Wall didn't have a size limitation, meaning it could be of any length and width. >Or height. >Ryoma: "I use my chakra to create an Earth Wall." >Teemo: "Okay, where?" >Ryoma: "I create a wall tall enough to eject him in to the atmosphere." BASED Regalia 06/30/14(Mon)23:21:37 No.33117023 ► »3211708* »321171*C »33117372 »33116321 File: earth-walloaoer-1083-1106i Iipq (855 KB. 1024x768) »33116610 >Teemo loses his shit. >Teemo: "No, you can't do that." >Ryoma: "Why can't I? There's nothing in the rules about how big that wall has to be." >Teemo: "It's not allowed." >Teemo crosses his arms to form an X. >Ryoma: "Why not?" >Teemo: "Because you can't do that." >Ryoma: "Clearly I can, because I'm totally doing it." This is the point where the first session breaks down Ryoma and Dirk assert that they kill their assassin by sending him in to space and gather the flowers. Upon the Kage refusing to award them they hold the village hostage by threatening to jettison them in to space using Earth Wall. When I came to play in the second session there were some things that I learned had changed: >Earth Wall was removed, as Teemo didn't know how to fix it >Dirk and Ryoma had told him to just add specifications to the size of the wall. >He just ignored them. >Ranges for various jutsus and weapons were added >They're in terms of grid squares. >Daggers have a range of 3 squares and swords have a range of 5. >Each square is 5x5 feet >The daggers are 15 feet long and the swords are 25 feet long. >Classes are added - One for melee, one that's essentially a wizard, and the other is a tank. >The tank class is clearly superior as it gets more advantages and fewer disadvantages stat wise in a game with only three stats. >l create DMX-kun, a tank who specializes in Fire jutsus, as Fireball does 1d20 burn damage regardless of how much damage the jutsu itself actually does >Ryoma does the math and determines that if a character puts absolutely every single point they will ever get in to Armor and Armor alone, they still would not survive a singe natural 20 fireball jutsu. >Ryoma builds Sempai-Sama-San-Kun, a Sasuke expy with functionally infinite defense. >He and Teemo argue about why he can't have two shields to further increase his defense. >We assume that wielding two shields is an ancient and forbidden technique. □ Anonymous 06/30/14(Mon)23:24:31 No.33117084 ► »33117023 >We assume that wielding two shields is an ancient and forbidden technique. My sides BASED Regalia 06/30/14(Mon)23:37:40 No.33117373 ► »33117*62 »321177** »32118321 File: evil-wizard ioo (41 KB. 435x571) to >>33HZfi22 >Dirk creates Ricky Bubba-Kun, a fighter who specializes in Taijutsu. >Taijutsu jutsus cast from HP and not chakra >"Bloody Knee" deals a shitload of damage and some how causes bleed damage but also takes 15 HP to use. >Ricky Bubba-Kun only has 14 HP _____________ >Teemo: "You're all sparring off in the arena." >Ryoma: "Sparring off?" >Teemo: "Sparring off." >Me: 'That sounds pretty suspect." >We take a moment to deliberate who the party is. >Ricky Bubba-Kun is our Naruto. Sempai-Sama-San-Kun is our Sasuke, DMX-Kun is our Sakura. >l'm a gay ninja wizard. >We report to the Kage, who warns us about a stampede of squirrels and wolves that are going to destroy the village. >They're apparently being led by some sort of creature. >Teemo/Kage: "It's a zombie, or a golem, or some other sorta' sinister creature." >Ryoma drags us along to the store. >Ryoma: "Do you have any shields here?" >Teemo/Shopkeeper: 'That's not allowed." >Teemo crosses his arms in the shape of an X. I didn't know anything about the last session, so I have no idea what the fuck is happening. >Ryoma: "Is that you or the shop keeper?" >Teemo: "What?" >Ryoma: "Are you in character telling me that I can't ask for two shields or are you as the GM telling me I can't have two shields?" >Teemo: "I don't know what you mean." >This continues until Teemo says that the shop does have shields, but they cost 100 gold, and we only have 100 copper apiece. >Swords and Daggers, on the other hand, are 25 copper. >Ryoma leaves the store, eagerly searching for something to use as a shield. >Ryoma: "Are there any trashcans nearby?" >Teemo: "Sure?" >Ryoma: "I take the lid." >Teemo once again crosses his arms in an X and says that isn't allowed. >Ryoma: "What, is it chained to the actual can or something?" >Teemo: "Y-yeah, that's it." >Ryoma: "I break the chain." >Teemo: 'That's not allowed." >This continues until we pick up the trashcan and proceed out of the village. BASED Regalia 06/30/14(Mon)23:55 10 No.33117744 ► »22117825 »22117S3C »23117855 »22118077 »32118122 »22118221 The Pentagon Pyramid ipq (33 KB 350x454) »33117373 >We arrive at the 2-square wide path >Teemo circles a 2x2 grid area and says that that's where the stampede of wolves is. >He says there;s hundreds of animals in the stampede in a 10x10ft area. >We assume they're all standing on each other, forming a wolf tower. >l light the trashcan on fire and throw it at them >lt explodes, killing all of them. >lolwat >Suddenly, a golem comes sprinting out of the woodwork. >Ryoma simply walks up to it, physically incapable of being hurt by it. >Ryoma: "So, can enemies pass through opposed squares?" >Teemo: "What?" >We explain what that means, at which point Teemo says they can't. >The golem occupies 2x2 on the grid, and since the path is only 2 squares wide the golem is stalled and cannot progress because reasons. >Village saved. >Ryoma begins to climb the golem, which inexplicably incapacitates it. >We discover over the next few turns that the golem is made of flesh, has eyes, a mouth and can breath. >Dirk: 'Then isn't this a giant, and not a golem?" >Teemo: "It's a golem." >Me: "A flesh golem." >Ryoma shoves his shield in to its mouth and jumps up and down on it, trying to suffocate it. >Dirk: "No, there's no choice. We have to use 'that'!" >Dirk's character sprints forward, leaping in to the air and extending his knee forward. >Dirk: "Called shot to the nards. All or nothing." >Me: "RICKY BUBBA-SEMPAI NOOOO!!!" >Dirk: "BLOOOODY KNEEEEE!" >Dirk rolls 18 >We have no idea what Bloody Knee is or how it actually functions despite constantly questioning Teemo about it. >We assume that the user snaps his knee in such a way that a single bone is left jutting from their knee, stabbing the target and causing monumental damage. >Dirk's character flies gracefully with the air, his leg bending and breaking with a sickening snap just moments before he collides with the delicate skin of the giant's coin-purse. >The giant "moans" as he falls to his knees. >The giant falls, his face on its side, and faintly whispers ’Thank-you." BASED Regalia 07/01/14(Tue)00:11 17 No.33113077 ► »3311S19C »3211629* »32116321 File: JUST AS PLANNED ipq (17 KB. 640x360) »33117744 >We all erupt in to laughter >We can't fucking breath >l start to cry >Dirk: "Holy fuck, did we just get him off?" >We come to the conclusion that the giant came to death >We insist to Teemo that he meant groan, he isn't sure what we mean and continues to assure us that he meant moan. >We start to lament the loss of our brother and comrade, Nameless Giant, just as the Kage approaches us from the village gates. >Teemo/Kage: "So, I see that you've managed to survive my., experiment." >The whole table's jaws drop as we stare at Teemo. >Me/DMX: "What the fuck are you talking about?" >Teemo/Kage: "I was using a secret mind control device on that golem-" >Ryoma/SSSK: "Giant." >Teemo/Kage: "Golem. It seems that it worked out okay." >Ryoma and I glance at each other and both catch that we have these "What the fuck is even happening?" faces going on. >Me/DMX: 'Then... This was all your fault!" >Me: "I cast Fireball." >Teemo: "You can't do that?" >The three of us together come back with a simultaneous "Why not?!" >Teemo: "He's the Kage! It's not allowed!" >Ryoma: "So what if he's the Kage, we can kill him!" >Teemo: "But you'll be hunted down by the other ninjas!" >Ryoma: "What are they gonna' do, kill me?" >l roll my d20, and the gods smile upon the die, the Emperor himself blowing upon it as it spun about the tabletop. >20 « BASED Regalia 07/01/14(Tue)00.20:41 No.33118294 ► »33118369 marin final smash bv irdni .) iP_q (86 KB. 640x480) »33118077 This is where the second session falls apart We continue to assert that Kage burns to death and we destroy the single item shop in the village, burning it down for over-pricing its shields. In its place we erect a Love Hotel where giants can get off without going on murderous rampages. We memorialize a sofa in the lobby. It's taxidermied from the scrote of the giant/golem and above it hangs a plaque in his honor Ricky Bubba's body is still out on the trail, a warning to all practitioners of Taijutsu. From here on out the stories get less numerous and exciting, though events of note still occur. U BASED Regalia 07/01/14(Tue)00 50:21 No.33118927 ► »33119065 File: ¡Vz084VuLq3iv.gif (2 MB. 395x350) »33118141 »33118147 »33118269 We aren't sure if he's actually retarded We actually try to account for this when we play with him because, throughout all of this wacky shit, we are still playtesting a game that Teemo is creating. We've offered to help him and have given him numerous specific suggestions, down to actually writing out some of the rules or citing other books and showing them to him. We aren't outright dicks to him or anything He then ignores us or further breaks the game every session. For instance, our next session is a repeat of the first one. which I wasn't present for. >Professor of the workshop class joins us after we tell her about the first two sessions >We build the same characters >Legacy War now has an introductory paragraph >"lt was the 1987 when the Mysterious Guy appeared and warned of the war to end all worlds.” was the first sentence. >The Mysterious Guy kidnaps a random kid and disappears. >AII instances of the word "Toughness" have been replaced with 'Tightness" >The description for ‘Tightness" is "What your character can take." >lol >We go out and look for flowers for the Kage's date >Suddenly, wolves. >Ryoma picks up a wolf to use as a weapon >Teemo has no idea what he means, assumes he's throwing the wolf >We have to explain in intricate detail that he's swinging the wolf like a club >lt does damage equal to its strength >Ryoma searches a live wolf and finds Fur and Teeth >The wolf died upon being searched, exploding in to teeth and fur. >We gather the flowers for the first time and complete the quest. Anonymous 07/01/14(Tue)00:57:02 No.33119065 ► »22119121 »33118927 >AII instances of the word ’Toughness" have been replaced with 'Tightness" >The description for ’Tightness" is "What your character can take." That... cannot possibly have been unintentional The raw stupidity otherwise just boggles the mind BASED Regalia 07/01/14(Tue)01 10:43 No.33119335 ► »22119263 »2211928* »33119399 »22119*25 »32119*29 »32119**0 »221198*2 File: KB. 229x238) »33119107 It is neither, my friend Of that I can assure you >Talk to Teemo on the quad in front of the library about how his game is turning out. >Teemo: "Well, I'm working on crafting and pets right now. I think I'll be done with it soon." >Me: "You should probably work on the actual game first. That's what I'm doing and it's what Ryoma did. I revamped my entire core mechanic and he made sure his was solid before he moved on to other parts." >He starts to try to give me advice and talks to me about his process, that being "Make it all up as you go along." >Final session of Legacy War(s) rolls around >Professor returns to playtest, along with another professor who teaches several math and game design classes. He also GMs some of our games >He glances over the rules for a moment. >Teemo gets up from his seat to go in to the kitchen >Math Professor gets up and leaves silently, returning to his office, never to return. I should note that all of these games take place on campus. >We start yet another session looking for flowers for the Kage >Other professor immediately ragequits upon realizing that Teemo didn't change the game at all since last playtest despite our advice. >We fight the Mysterious Guy, who is actually the Shadowed Figure from the first session. >Burn him to death in two turns. >Look at his character sheet >He's named after Teemo, but titled 'Teemo the Killer" >wat >Look back over the rules, specifically at the intro >The Village Hidden in the Flowers is located, and I fucking quote, "about twenty minutes outside of [actual hometown], >We were playing the antagonists of his Naruto self-insert fic all along. Anonymous 07/01/14(Tue)01 12:32 No 33119363 ► File: _1_399838417162.jpg (83 KB 756x459) »33119335 »Math Professor gets up and leaves silently, returning to his office, never to return. □ Anonymous 07/C1/'4(Tue)01 13:32 No.33'19384 ► File: DMl^EEUmto(130 KE. 674x500) »33119335 — AV -i? *■', >you will never get to play Legacy Wars and launch DMPCs into the stra’.osphere with your earth walls wiile rolling for tightness Anonymous 07/01/14(Tue)01 21 31 No.33119516 ► »33119751 »33114825 iQPl >The year is 203X >The face of tabletop gaming has changed. >No more warhammer. >No FATE. >No GURPS or FUDGE. >No easy to pick up d6 systems. >Wizards of the Coast has been bought out by Legacy Wars Inc. >A Mysterious Guy called Teemo emerged from the east and released Legacy Wars, the single most over-the-top retarded tabletop system ever created. >Everyone played it for giggles at first, but eventually it found its way to its intended audience. >Weeaboo aspies and autists emerge from the woodwork like cockroaches. >They out breed casual tabletop players, and their sheer ignorance and stupidity makes them impossible to convince of their own faults. >They gain momentum. Eventually all of tabletop gaming is just Legacy Wars. >They've released 3 new editions, all based on Bleach, One Piece, and Dragon Ball Z. >Develop time-travelling message technology. >Make this post. Kill Teemo Kill him now before it is too late You are the future's only hope. BASED Regalia 07/01/14(Tue)01 33 11 No 33119842 ► »22119950 »22119970 »22119996 File: vlcsnap-2013-12-18-20hQ2mi long (116 MB. 952x716) »33119335 During this session we were also playing as Luchadore versions of our previous characters. Ryoma opted to rename Sempai-Sama-San-Kun "Los Caja de Almuerzo de la Muerte-Sama-San-Kun," "The Lunchbox of Death" while I simply named DMX-Kun "Senior DMX-Kun." We have concluded that our characters are stuck in a recurring time loop a la Groundhog Day and must find a way to break free Teemo was going to run a Rifts session for another class (taught by the aforementioned math professor) where we appeared as our characters who, upon collecting two shields and smashing them together, created a wormhole through space and time that had us appear in his Rifts game. Sadly, he never led that game. For the curious. Ryoma was working on a pulp adventure RPG that was super easy to play. It was like a further simplified version of Savage Worlds in a post apocalypse caused by the return of magic. One session we played had us boating through the flooded streets of the bayou that was once New York City. I beat a bandit leader to death in a shirtless fist fight during a rooftop chase My game is a super robot RPG that's sort of like if Mekton and Deathwatched fucked and the baby looked sort of like Wild Talents. And there ends the story of Legacy War. What has come of it in recent months I know not. All I know is that somewhere. Teemo lies in wait, mercilessly clacking away on his keyboard, waiting for the time when the Mysterious Guy may rise again.
DnD story,Dungeons & Dragons,Подземелья и Драконы, D&D, dnd, днд,greentext
*улетел в стратосферу на земляной стене*
но че-то интересно, целый университет (ну то есть факультет, ну и пусть размером со школу), но целиком посвящен геймдизайну настолок? это каким же предметам там обучают целый семестр, весь курс обучения, и если забыть о том, что настолки могут приесться - в этом вообще может быть что-то ненавистное и выматывающее?
Мне больше интересно какого хуя социально неадаптированный чувак без фантазии там делает. Этож фейл фейлов.
А. Это про онемэ. Ох матьтвоюйоп.